Yes, its happening

This saturday… I will be in my own house, sleeping in my own room. A lot of people told me that I'm being silly for quitting my job and leaving Manila for good.

But I have to say that I am not a helpless, little girl coming home to mommy and daddy. Im simply having a "cool change". Puh Lease. Being in Manila for four years now, working my ass off… and then having a life changing event… I need to recharge. Get my bearings. and who knows where the wind will take me? I treat this stage of my life as an adventure. So… to qoute my best, WHATEVER YOU SAY, WHATEVER YOU DO, YOU CAN'T TAKE AWAY THE SMILE IN MY FACE, SO BACK OFF!!!

Anyway… people keep asking about my lovelife. i'll let you know soon. I might even post some pictures

Don't you just love life? My friend's tattoo sez: Live, love and learn.

Fitting.

Mwah to all.

Things I Hate

1. Foods I Hate- Being a foodie, i only hate paksiw dishes.

2. Fruit I hate- Im not really fond of chico… i hate the smell.

3. Vegetable I Hate- Squash. Hehehe.

4. Celebrities I hate- Kiera Knightly. I dont know. Her smile irritates me for unknown reasons.

5. Event I Hate- Graduation. Mixed emotions.

6. Movie I Hate- Mandy Moore's movies. Yes, even the a Walk to Remember.

7. Music I Hate- the super, duper hard rock.

8. Chore I Hate- Sweeping the floor.

9. Thing I Hate About the World- Global Warming.

10. Thing I hate about myself- Knowing what's wrong and still doing it. Damn.

Thanks alohapenny, for this cute tag.

I don’t give a freaking damn

Awww. Thanks for the texts and warnings about Megs. Oh dear, if you only knew… I really don't care about the shit you two are doing. Keep it up, make it last, make your damn mama proud. As for me, I have my own shit to live, ayt. I cant believe I wasted 20 texts on you though. Oh well. Sometimes I can be stupid. But judging from your texts, and the way you dont know what tata means… I don't think Im the only stupid person here.

Anyway… You. You've been testing me for the longest time, asking if I'm being true or not. Damn. I'm living a lie with you and I know that I can't go on like that. But how can I look you in the eye and break it to you? Ah, whatever. Time will tell.

Don't you just love dramas? I do.

Thank you for making me smile again

We can finish a pack of marlboro lights. Walk to the beach. Go fishing. Talk about life's shit. Thanks for believing in me too. Thanks for understanding. And for not judging me. You know, before you came, I thought I would be drowning in whatyacallit fuck. And I really thank the Lord for knowing you. You lit up my life. And I felt human once again. From blob, to this… Hello Normal. Hello world. Anyway, I've never cried hard enough to let the world know I'm hurt. But fuck it, now Im crying because of the hope that I see in you. It touched me so deep, that I never thought it would be possible. I hate the drama. I dont like baggages. I just want to thank you for bringing me back to life again. And if you go, which I know will happen soon, do not worry about me. I will be fine. I will spit like a man. Dust off my boots and still walk forward. Hoping to catch you again. And just like what we say in high school, friends forever, you spunk.

This thing called alanis morissette

When i was in high school, i was a great fan of Ms. Morissette. I memorized all the lyrics of her Jagged Little Pill album. I felt that every song in that album speaks sooo much about my life, and everybody's life. I have some words and phrases of her songs etched in my… heart (heehee).

Anyway… the past days have me listening to that album once again. Part of my bumhood, you know. And I felt 15 again

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this and that

1. Oh my God… just visited Perezhilton and there's a rumor that My Wentworth Miller is gay!!! According to Perez, it has been six months that Wenty is secretly dating Luke McFarlane. SOB!!! I can take a million broken hearts, but my Wenty being gay? Nooooooooo!

2. How come nobody told me that Scrubs is awesome? Finished the 1st season this weekend and i cant get enough. Doctor Dorian is soooo funny and cute.

3. Mangosteen = heaven. Oh my goodness!!! Been having this fruit for the day… and I moan whenever I take a piece. Gosh!

4. Dillema: To stay in manila or to go back home? Hmmm…

5. Megs… I am so sorry. I need to find the courage to tell him real soon. Fuck.

6. Dental braces are GONE… whew!!! Now i can smile like Katie Holmes, bwahahahaha. Seriously, it's such a relief to feel my teeth without the metal brackets. And I loved how my teeth are almost perfectly aligned.

7. I want to get drunk… Coz I want to be emo and all that snatzz. Care to drink with me?

The First Cut is The Deepest

I would have given you all of my life…

anyway… saturday mornings are the best.

So why am i crying?

Even my shrink said no

Crossroads. That's where Im fucking at. So im moving away. And everybody says Im making a big mistake. Sure I'll have my dream job in my hometown… but they say that more opportunities are in store for me in Manila. Not to be boastful, but yeah, I have turned down a number of them. I just want to get my ass back.

And I know, that if i stay here in Manila, I'll have a better life… but I dont think I can live here for the meantime. Dont accuse me of running away… I have been wanting to do this since two years ago. I am not running away. I just want to get a grip and head on… to whatever's life going to give me.

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I love you Ace

I went to Ace Water Spa a few days ago and i must say, what an experience!!! Hydrotherapy is the next big thing next to Wentworth Miller. I love the rain shower massage… so ticklish and soft, and very relaxing. Their Herbal pool rocked too. Warm tub of minty water and jasmine… hmmmmm. You have to try it!!! While I was being pampered, i literally felt all the stress melting away. I felt so reborn. The pool is like a womb, you know. Very nice and warm water massqaging you wherever you please! Hope to be back there soon!

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Alohapenny interviewed Madwoman

This so cool! Listen up, yo.

1. What's fun being 25?

Being 25 means having learned enough life's lessons and experiences. This is the age when most of your expectations have been realized. This is the age that even your grandmother will listen to what you're gonna say, hehehe. This is the age when people would really believe in you…

2. How does being single again make you feel?

The first few weeks were lonely. But then, friends and family has been with me 24/7. It is only now that my inboxes are bursting. I become family oriented again. It's like knowing my family for the first time. I have reconnected with cousins and long lost friends. And cliche as it may sound, I have done things I have never done before. Somehow, being single again made me stronger and braver. But of course, the pain is still there…

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This is the day

- that im going to say goodbye to my little workspace…

-goodbye to my whiteboard filled with reminders and silly messages

-goodbye to my swivel chair that has kept my big ass comfy and warm

-goodbye to my desk that held so many papers and sweet nothings

-goodbye to my PC…

-and sadly, goodbye to all my colleagues who are more than just mere officemates… my friends, my mates, those who believed in me and those whom I leaned on these past days. That's what makes me sadder more than ever.

Dont you just hate goodbyes? I know that this isnt the last time that I'll see them… but it's just sad to start my weekdays without seeing their faces and hearing their laughter… not being able to share jokes with them and cry with them. My lunches would never be as fun as before! But as what someone used to say, change is good. And i'll look at it that way.

So, now… my stuff are packed. Let the adventure begin!

Dear friends, brothers, and sisters, and especially, Self:

Please always be reminded of this truth:

*"A lot of us has built dreams with people we hoped would be with us forever… only to wake up to the reality that nothing's permanent in this world. Love comes and goes. People stay and leave. Life is a constant cycle of finding and losing; of making and breaking; of dying and living again…"

* found this from the net… forgot the site, sorry.

How much of the Phils you have visited?

My Lakbayan grade is C-!

How much of the Philippines have you visited? Find out at Lakbayan!

Created by Eugene Villar.

A Tale of Gluttony

Just came back from lunch. My God I'm so full!!!

Me and my officemates had a meeting with our client and we picked Burgoo (podium branch). The appetizer was chicken wings with blue cheese dip… it was good. Then another appetizer was ordered which was the three- meat kebab with potato wedges. By the time I was munching the meat, I was already so full. But noooo. The seafood caesar salad came, and of course, i took a plate too. Lettuce is strange… for something so light, it could make you so full. Must be the water, huh? And for my main dish, I ordered blackened salmon with a scoop of mashed potato (terrible mashed potato evar) and house salad on the side. Halfway through my salmon, I felt a little bit dizzy. I must have lacked oxygen coz I could hardly breathe. But damn, the salmon was good. Better than orgasm, I must say. Top that with a big glass of orange juice. My fat belly is huge alright, but what I consumed was really humungous. Five minutes after the main dish was gobbled up, I caught sight of their raspberry cheesecake. Of course, I ordered it! My, the cake was gigantic, almost half of the reular plate. And the raspberry sauce was oozing!!! I shared it with my officemates, and we all agree that it's the best cheesecake so far…

I went back to the office with a bulging belly. Makes me want to go to the gym and sweat it all out.

Hmmmm….wish i could hear some of your glutonous tale

Xoxo

Rush, rush, rush

Last three days at work… then i'll fix my clearance and head home.

Last night, someone told me to take my time. That healing takes time. I agree. But I cant see myself wallowing in all these pain for a long time!!! I want to get it over with as quickly as possible.

And am i just using Megs? I dont know. I dont know. I just want to get this heartbreak over with!

Please, im so confused, and im not myself. I dont want to cry. I dont want to think about anything related to the break up. This is me. This is how I heal. Im not running away. Im not! I'm not!!!

Gay Pride

My brother is gay. And I'm damn proud of him. The whole family doesn't have any problem with my brother being gay. Apparently, the world have.

We love watching Project Runway and America's Next Top Model. We love commenting on gowns, designers and beauty pageants. He's the best brother you could have. He adores me and loves me to death. I love him more than my life! I could always count on him. Though I'm eleven years older than him, we have a lot in common.

My heart broke when I was giving him a pep talk the other night. Things like "be proud of who you are", "stand up for yourself", etc were said. And he told me, it's easy for you to say… you don't get teased everyday, no one taunts you, you dont worry about acceptance…

He is a cool guy. A very loving son, very cheerful, very friendly guy. He doesnt deserve to be treated that way.

*Actually, I don't know how to write my feelings regarding this. Im still sad and worried for my brother. I have high respect for gay people. Most of my friends are gay. I guess i just wanted to say that underneath that cheery facade of gay people, lies a son, a friend, a brother just like everyone else. No one should tease or taunt them. It hurts.

This is for you, fucktard 2

Yep, here I go again. I was surfing youtube, and i came across Alanis Morissette's song… this one is called UNINVITED. And the last verse made me think of those fucktards who decided everything. You know who they are… they think they're conceived through immaculate conception, and that they are immaculate themselves. *Barf* 

So, here you go…

"Like any uncharted territory
I must seem greatly intriguing
You speak of my love like
You have experienced like mine before
But this is not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight"

Fixing a broken heart

Oh…the dating game is about to start. 

I've talked to Aus last night. We talked for 25 minutes. We talked about religion and stuff. There were a few dead air, but nevertheless, it was a very good chat. We are both in the process of healing. And we know exactly what we're going through. Are we flirting? No. Not yet anyway.

It looks like me and Megs are back together again. I don't know. We're talking on the phone regularly. And lately, we've been talking about getting back together. Honestly, I'm not yet ready to be in a relationship (maybe, next month heehee). But I have this stupid feeling that in order for me to forget all about "it", I would be needing someone new. Is it unfair??? I'm not that "atat" to be in a relationship again (unlike someone I know… ). But as the song says: Nobody wants to be lonely… nobody wants to cryyyyyy. Do I love Megs? Yes. Since I was 12 years old.

Anyway, I can't mope forever you know. And Megs has been my friend since my childhood years. Think about Dawson's Creek… and we were a couple during our high school years. After almost eight years, we're walking down the same road again. We learned from our mistakes. We know each other better now. But somehow, a part of me says NO. Though it's just a teeny weeny voice in my head,  I can't seem to ignore it. A big part of me says GO AHEAD. Honestly, I really want to. But I don't know…

So… I think I'll just let myself loose this time. Been to too much restrictions, and my life got fucked up. Sometimes, I'm awashed with regrets over the time I spent disillusioned… Not anymore, baby. This time, I won't fall in love with the idea of love. Of loving someone different… of staying in a relationship because we're popular. Nah… not anymore. Madwoman has already grown up.

What’s your happiness?

Having my little bro come over for a six day visit; slurping my favorite beef mami; receiving texts from Bruno; having a conversation with a sensible man; being able to date again; eating yema; getting a new hairdo; receiving a pair of hot pink pants from my aunt; playing with my niece; being able to smile when i remember someone dear; receiving phone calls from mom and dad; text marathon with my gay friends; the thought of being in love again; making plans about my new life; thinking about my sister; looking at my pet's videos; using a brand new bag; surfing the net; eating Arce Dairy keso ice cream; joyrides; late night conversations with Megs; singing along with happy songs; dreaming about God; Knowing that Bruno is safe and sound; sharing laughter with my colleagues; old jokes and anecdotes of my life;sleeping with my spongebob pillow; getting over regrets; realizing my mistakes; getting chummy with Marlboro lights; sunday lunches with my family circle; munching on Hansel Mocha Sandwich given by a friend; pili nuts; my Play Doh; reconnecting with cousins; malling…

So many reasons to feed my soul. So many reasons to get it on

I hope your list tops mine. Let's all get our asses to the road to happiness, ayt?

The Only One Who Knew The Real Me

Yesterday was the turning point of my life. I went out with Madame. And we talked. And she asked me quesstions, and my plans. And I was so surprised that she knew about my problem. It's a secret I have kept for so long. Nobody helped me. They just thought that I'm making "arte". They all thought that Im very moody. They all thought that it is but normal  that I'm domineering. They thought my tantrums are just normal.

They never knew, not even my parents, that I am a very angry person inside. I've been like that since I was 12. And no one was there to help me. I broke down when i was 19, and nobody knew it. And yesterday, this person knows exactly what I've been throguh. And I felt so understood for the first time in years. I felt so good that I cried. I couldn't believe that someone knows my secret. And it felt so fucking good.

It's too bad that one person has suffered the most because of the monster that Im caryring. And I lost that person. But now I know the reason behind all these events. The universe have given me a signal. And I've read it right. Knowing the purpose behind all these, the pain has lessened. It is now clear. Now it's time.