end of the road

i have found my sanity.

my life has found it’s direction.

i have found my true peace in this lifetime of war.

i bid farewell to my madness.

i am no longer mad woman.

thank you to all those who took time reading my mad posts.

In the wrong hands

She was a schoolmate in high school. Havent seen her for more than twelve years. And then, just last month, she found me at a cafe.

My parents doesnt want me to hang out with her. She has a reputation. She does drugs and hangs out with the wrong kind of people. I already consider her as my friend. And I care about her.

But then… she gets me to do crazy things. And Now, I realize that if i continue hanging out with her, i might self destruct. Last night was crazy. And everytime i remember, I feel so ashamed.

I hope no one knew. I was at my stupid self. I wont do it again. Never.

battles

Holy Week’s up. And since monday, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. I’ll be 26 soon, and I feel like life has passed me by. I have a lot of things to face, and most of them need immediate actions.

My nicotine addiction has been worsening. At least two packs a day. And I hate that fact. Most especially now that i’m in a lot of trouble, I puff my way to pass the time. I don’t care if I run out of money, but i get scared when I have no more ciggies in the middle of the night. I Don’t like this about myself, and God knows how many times I tried to quit.

My finances are pitiful. I’m back to living with my parents and I’m very grateful for it. Leaving a nice paying job in Manila was foolish, but I chased my dreams, and I’m happy where I’m at now. I just get sad when payday comes. Sure I have everything here. My parents take good care of me, but I can’t depend on them  my whole life.

I make bad decisions. I have to live with it, and that sucks. I turned to be the person I never wanted to be. And that’s because of YOU. I would do anything to make you happy, to keep you happy, for you to stay happy. Never mind my feelings, never mind my own happiness. I know I’m just a safe choice for you… Coz I was a nice woman and all that bullshit. I give you freedom to do what you want. I’ve seen you use that freedom, and it tore me so badly inside. But I didn’t say anything because I fear that you will leave. I was happy once. Everything was almost perfect, except for this. But seeing you happy, that’s all that matters. You told me, it’s just normal. If it is, then why does it fucking hurts??? I shouldn’t be doing this to myself, I deserve a better man. Not because I’m perfect, but because I am capable to love purely, wholeheartedly, and deeply. The love that i’m giving to you should be spent on someone who deserves it. But just like my nicotine addiction, you’re so fucking hard to quit.

I want peace of mind, serenity and security. Things that I have been constantly fighting to achieve. Wherever they are, I wish they will show up before it’s too late.

The people who judged me for one single mistake… You do not know me. You have no right to tell me not to do those things. I have never experienced those normal kinds of entertainment. It’s not like I’m doing drugs or killing someone. For God’s sake it was just beer. I was having fun with colleagues, what do you expect me to do? Sit there and text?

I desire to finish my masters degree. I wish to find time and resources to do it. I hope before I turn 30, I’ll be able to walk up the stage and get that freaking diploma.

*deep breath*

While I was watching you sleep

I am writing this while you were sleeping in my bed… I was staring at you for a long time, and a wave of sadness washed over me. There you are, so peaceful, so sweet, so calm. But another string tugged inside me. You lied to me. and I didnt know what the fuck you were doing out there while we’ve been apart. I have only known bits and pieces and those were enough to break my heart. I didn’t cried. I promise myself never to cry again. I told myself, i’ll never see you again. But when I saw you at my door, everything changed. i welcomed you again with open arms.

But sometimes, I have so many doubts. i cannot trust you like before. and i hate it. you are so good, and i love you dearly. But i think i deserve another man. Because of you, I became a woman that i loath to be. I became wild. I became a liar, just like you. And when I found out about that fucking thing, i slept with somebody. Because I thought that the sex would free me of the hurt you caused when you cheated. But it didn’t. It made me feel worse. And I have to live with that for the rest of my life.

I am not like this. I was once a good girl. I dont just throw myself around. But you hurt me so bad I didn’t gave a fuck anymore.

what the fuck is wrong with me?

This should be the happiest day of my life.

so, why am i crying?

what i feel today

Young at heart

So last night, I went to the college prom (yeah, PROM). It felt weird, coz I came there as a member of the faculty… When i went to my junior prom, I didnt had fun. I was bored to death. but last night, it was just awesome. Great food, nice booze, and lots of silly dancing.

The students were sweet. They gave me attention, hahahaha! I talked to a lot of people, downed a lot of alcohol and laughed til my throat hurt.

Hmmm. I wish every night was like that.

Things I’d Like to Say

To Myself:     I salute you. You have been invincible. You make me proud. Look at you now!

To Bruno:      I wish you never left me. I always long for your presence. Sleeping at night has been melancholic. I wish I can see your smile again. Your toys are still in my room… they are staring at me, wondering when they’re going to be useful again. Some of your clothes, they are still here. And I can’t bear to give them away. I’ll always wait for you.

To My Parents: Now I know what unconditional love is. I have been too impossible, but you were always there for me. During my crazy moments, you have my back and you never let go of me. Thank you are not the words… I’m overwhelmed with your love and support.

To My Joe:    Yeah… I’m happy for us. Because of you, I realized that I create my own happiness. I dont know where life will take us, but I hope that you are there in the future. But whatever happens, i’ll be happy having shared my life with you.

To Jo:     What happened to us? You’re still my bestfriend. Time and distance has been cruel. Maybe, I expected too much. I thought you will always be there. But now, it’s hard to find you. I need you.

To Madam:   I’m sorry. I cannot say anything more about it.

To my Bro:   I’m proud of you. I’ll always will be.

To my Ex:    Thanks for the memories eventhough they weren’t so great. He tastes like you, only sweeter.

To Horsey:   You are the sister I never had. I dont want to lose you. I’ll always love you. Can’t wait to be with you again!

To Manol:    No, I will not welcome you into my life anymore. I gave you the chance. If I gave you another, that would be very saintly of me. And I never dreamed of being a saint.

To Old Lady:   I hope you’ll die. You are a typical monster hidden behind rosaries and prayers. I will never forgive you. I hate you that much.

Torn

When do you let go?

I felt like a fool. I felt violated. I know you were sorry. I know you were ahamed of what you did. I’ve forgiven you. But I can never forget. Now look what you’ve done. I always doubt what you said. I dont trust you Like i trusted you before. But damn it, I still love you so much. But the hurt! The confusion! The doubt!

Should I stay? I know that if i do, it will never be the same again. You will continue to stray. You will.

Should I go? If I do, I might regret not giving you another chance. And I hate regrets. There’s just too many of them in my life.

You’re very special to me. I can see us happy, building a great future again.

Ugh. I really wished I never found out.

so this is how it feels

Honesty. My ass. Cheating online is still cheating. You dont know how shattered I felt when I learned about it. You just dont know how terrible I felt when I learned that you’re going to take her there too. You dont know how hurt I was when I learned that you call her that too.

What am I, you’re spare tire? I thought that what we have is real.

I Knew It

You told me you’re falling in love with me everyday. I knew you’re gonna say that. And instead of making me happy, fear gripped me.

I am scared to love a typical man. That’s why I stuck to them freak shows. I had relationships with a pastor to be, an ex monk, etc. Men whom I knew would never take advantage of me or hurt me in any way. I wanted to be secure and safe. But when I’m with them, the real me doesnt show. I pretend to be decent or demure or conservative. None of these are me. I am loud, adventurous, curious and dramatic.

You are a typical man- watches porn, reads girly mags, loves sports, etc. And everytime you show me such characteristics, I get fascinated and scared at the same time. You’ve been very honest with me about your views in polygamy and sex. I loved that about you. This "normalcy" thrills me. But it also makes me have second thoughts. When I’m with you, I can be as obnoxious as one can be, yet you never judged me. I can go places and you support me all the way. You make me feel right at home. All the time.

So I’m sorry if i get quiet when you’re baring your soul. I’m sorry that when you asked me to marry you, I said let’s think about this. I’m sorry that I didn’t say anything.

But my silence doesnt mean I don’t love you. Because the truth is, I’ve loved you since the first time we got together. Let me just think this through. Right now, I’m slowly stepping out of my comfort zone. Little by little, I am accepting the fact that not all men are like my exes. You stood out, and it just takes time getting used to it.

In Heaven

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