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kinda emotional
May 2, 2007"Dad, are you disappointed?"
When I was just a small fry, I had all the qualities of being a most-likely-to-succeed shit. Good grades, popularity, the works. But somehow, I was left behind. I never made it to the top three. During contests and events, I always came in second, third… and I would always look at my dad, and I would hear him say kanugon (sayang!). It was always like this:
Dad, I got a 97 in Econ. I'm the third in class.
What's the grade of the top 1?
98.9 Dad.
Kanugon. Two points more and you'll be the top 1.
And to add to his gazillion failed expectations, I took up a course in college which nobody would thought that I will take. Let's just say that instead of taking up a business course or medicine, I ended up with something so far out from that.
Last night, I called home. I told him about some decision I made and he was a bit shocked. We had a long silence, and this gigantic lump was forming at my throat. I asked him if I disappointed him and he said, I'm damn proud of you. I couldn't believe what I heard. He's proud of me… and here I am, unaccomplished, struggling, nobody. Somehow, it just made me feel that I really failed his expectations.
I broke into a sobbing fit.
Previous Comments
Father’s have funny ways on showing us that we could do better by making remarks that makes us (kids) think that he isn’t proud of us.
Be proud of what you have become, as your dad is proud of you. It doesn’t matter if you’re not a flaming success, or that your not making that much money or you didn’t take that money-making course in college. What’s important is the happiness that you’re feeling, the contentment in life and the fulfillment that somehow you’re a success in your eyes and in your parents eyes.
Love and peace. 
hayyyy… salamat sa inyo, ha?
Hey there. I’ve been reading your blog since you started. And I just wanted to say that you are not alone. I too sometimes look at myself in the mirror and see a big fat failure. There were paths I could have taken which would have given me more in respect to what many people may traditionally call success. But I chose the one I am on now. It hasn’t always been easy. But somewhere along the way, I learned to own it. And now, I’m a bit less hard on myself.
My mom passed away nearly 5 years ago. I still sometimes think that I was a nothing but a big disappointment to her. My dad tells me otherwise, that they have always been proud of who I became. My dad also tells me he is proud of how I got here. It’s hard to believe sometimes, specially when I think of all the mistakes and harrowing times I put both of them through. And yet, he insists. And so I relent. And I understand just how much love a parent can give. And it reminds me just how much more I need to give.
Your dad is truly proud of you. Own that. You chose your own path. Own that as well. Embrace your life and you will find your own success. Blog on iha!
Posted by Adam Mordo at May 2, 2007, 10:03 am