Torn

When do you let go?

I felt like a fool. I felt violated. I know you were sorry. I know you were ahamed of what you did. I’ve forgiven you. But I can never forget. Now look what you’ve done. I always doubt what you said. I dont trust you Like i trusted you before. But damn it, I still love you so much. But the hurt! The confusion! The doubt!

Should I stay? I know that if i do, it will never be the same again. You will continue to stray. You will.

Should I go? If I do, I might regret not giving you another chance. And I hate regrets. There’s just too many of them in my life.

You’re very special to me. I can see us happy, building a great future again.

Ugh. I really wished I never found out.

so this is how it feels

Honesty. My ass. Cheating online is still cheating. You dont know how shattered I felt when I learned about it. You just dont know how terrible I felt when I learned that you’re going to take her there too. You dont know how hurt I was when I learned that you call her that too.

What am I, you’re spare tire? I thought that what we have is real.

I Knew It

You told me you’re falling in love with me everyday. I knew you’re gonna say that. And instead of making me happy, fear gripped me.

I am scared to love a typical man. That’s why I stuck to them freak shows. I had relationships with a pastor to be, an ex monk, etc. Men whom I knew would never take advantage of me or hurt me in any way. I wanted to be secure and safe. But when I’m with them, the real me doesnt show. I pretend to be decent or demure or conservative. None of these are me. I am loud, adventurous, curious and dramatic.

You are a typical man- watches porn, reads girly mags, loves sports, etc. And everytime you show me such characteristics, I get fascinated and scared at the same time. You’ve been very honest with me about your views in polygamy and sex. I loved that about you. This "normalcy" thrills me. But it also makes me have second thoughts. When I’m with you, I can be as obnoxious as one can be, yet you never judged me. I can go places and you support me all the way. You make me feel right at home. All the time.

So I’m sorry if i get quiet when you’re baring your soul. I’m sorry that when you asked me to marry you, I said let’s think about this. I’m sorry that I didn’t say anything.

But my silence doesnt mean I don’t love you. Because the truth is, I’ve loved you since the first time we got together. Let me just think this through. Right now, I’m slowly stepping out of my comfort zone. Little by little, I am accepting the fact that not all men are like my exes. You stood out, and it just takes time getting used to it.

In Heaven

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