While I was watching you sleep

I am writing this while you were sleeping in my bed… I was staring at you for a long time, and a wave of sadness washed over me. There you are, so peaceful, so sweet, so calm. But another string tugged inside me. You lied to me. and I didnt know what the fuck you were doing out there while we’ve been apart. I have only known bits and pieces and those were enough to break my heart. I didn’t cried. I promise myself never to cry again. I told myself, i’ll never see you again. But when I saw you at my door, everything changed. i welcomed you again with open arms.

But sometimes, I have so many doubts. i cannot trust you like before. and i hate it. you are so good, and i love you dearly. But i think i deserve another man. Because of you, I became a woman that i loath to be. I became wild. I became a liar, just like you. And when I found out about that fucking thing, i slept with somebody. Because I thought that the sex would free me of the hurt you caused when you cheated. But it didn’t. It made me feel worse. And I have to live with that for the rest of my life.

I am not like this. I was once a good girl. I dont just throw myself around. But you hurt me so bad I didn’t gave a fuck anymore.

what the fuck is wrong with me?

This should be the happiest day of my life.

so, why am i crying?

what i feel today

Young at heart

So last night, I went to the college prom (yeah, PROM). It felt weird, coz I came there as a member of the faculty… When i went to my junior prom, I didnt had fun. I was bored to death. but last night, it was just awesome. Great food, nice booze, and lots of silly dancing.

The students were sweet. They gave me attention, hahahaha! I talked to a lot of people, downed a lot of alcohol and laughed til my throat hurt.

Hmmm. I wish every night was like that.

Things I’d Like to Say

To Myself:     I salute you. You have been invincible. You make me proud. Look at you now!

To Bruno:      I wish you never left me. I always long for your presence. Sleeping at night has been melancholic. I wish I can see your smile again. Your toys are still in my room… they are staring at me, wondering when they’re going to be useful again. Some of your clothes, they are still here. And I can’t bear to give them away. I’ll always wait for you.

To My Parents: Now I know what unconditional love is. I have been too impossible, but you were always there for me. During my crazy moments, you have my back and you never let go of me. Thank you are not the words… I’m overwhelmed with your love and support.

To My Joe:    Yeah… I’m happy for us. Because of you, I realized that I create my own happiness. I dont know where life will take us, but I hope that you are there in the future. But whatever happens, i’ll be happy having shared my life with you.

To Jo:     What happened to us? You’re still my bestfriend. Time and distance has been cruel. Maybe, I expected too much. I thought you will always be there. But now, it’s hard to find you. I need you.

To Madam:   I’m sorry. I cannot say anything more about it.

To my Bro:   I’m proud of you. I’ll always will be.

To my Ex:    Thanks for the memories eventhough they weren’t so great. He tastes like you, only sweeter.

To Horsey:   You are the sister I never had. I dont want to lose you. I’ll always love you. Can’t wait to be with you again!

To Manol:    No, I will not welcome you into my life anymore. I gave you the chance. If I gave you another, that would be very saintly of me. And I never dreamed of being a saint.

To Old Lady:   I hope you’ll die. You are a typical monster hidden behind rosaries and prayers. I will never forgive you. I hate you that much.