battles

Holy Week’s up. And since monday, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. I’ll be 26 soon, and I feel like life has passed me by. I have a lot of things to face, and most of them need immediate actions.

My nicotine addiction has been worsening. At least two packs a day. And I hate that fact. Most especially now that i’m in a lot of trouble, I puff my way to pass the time. I don’t care if I run out of money, but i get scared when I have no more ciggies in the middle of the night. I Don’t like this about myself, and God knows how many times I tried to quit.

My finances are pitiful. I’m back to living with my parents and I’m very grateful for it. Leaving a nice paying job in Manila was foolish, but I chased my dreams, and I’m happy where I’m at now. I just get sad when payday comes. Sure I have everything here. My parents take good care of me, but I can’t depend on them  my whole life.

I make bad decisions. I have to live with it, and that sucks. I turned to be the person I never wanted to be. And that’s because of YOU. I would do anything to make you happy, to keep you happy, for you to stay happy. Never mind my feelings, never mind my own happiness. I know I’m just a safe choice for you… Coz I was a nice woman and all that bullshit. I give you freedom to do what you want. I’ve seen you use that freedom, and it tore me so badly inside. But I didn’t say anything because I fear that you will leave. I was happy once. Everything was almost perfect, except for this. But seeing you happy, that’s all that matters. You told me, it’s just normal. If it is, then why does it fucking hurts??? I shouldn’t be doing this to myself, I deserve a better man. Not because I’m perfect, but because I am capable to love purely, wholeheartedly, and deeply. The love that i’m giving to you should be spent on someone who deserves it. But just like my nicotine addiction, you’re so fucking hard to quit.

I want peace of mind, serenity and security. Things that I have been constantly fighting to achieve. Wherever they are, I wish they will show up before it’s too late.

The people who judged me for one single mistake… You do not know me. You have no right to tell me not to do those things. I have never experienced those normal kinds of entertainment. It’s not like I’m doing drugs or killing someone. For God’s sake it was just beer. I was having fun with colleagues, what do you expect me to do? Sit there and text?

I desire to finish my masters degree. I wish to find time and resources to do it. I hope before I turn 30, I’ll be able to walk up the stage and get that freaking diploma.

*deep breath*