While I was watching you sleep

I am writing this while you were sleeping in my bed… I was staring at you for a long time, and a wave of sadness washed over me. There you are, so peaceful, so sweet, so calm. But another string tugged inside me. You lied to me. and I didnt know what the fuck you were doing out there while we’ve been apart. I have only known bits and pieces and those were enough to break my heart. I didn’t cried. I promise myself never to cry again. I told myself, i’ll never see you again. But when I saw you at my door, everything changed. i welcomed you again with open arms.

But sometimes, I have so many doubts. i cannot trust you like before. and i hate it. you are so good, and i love you dearly. But i think i deserve another man. Because of you, I became a woman that i loath to be. I became wild. I became a liar, just like you. And when I found out about that fucking thing, i slept with somebody. Because I thought that the sex would free me of the hurt you caused when you cheated. But it didn’t. It made me feel worse. And I have to live with that for the rest of my life.

I am not like this. I was once a good girl. I dont just throw myself around. But you hurt me so bad I didn’t gave a fuck anymore.

what i feel today

Torn

When do you let go?

I felt like a fool. I felt violated. I know you were sorry. I know you were ahamed of what you did. I’ve forgiven you. But I can never forget. Now look what you’ve done. I always doubt what you said. I dont trust you Like i trusted you before. But damn it, I still love you so much. But the hurt! The confusion! The doubt!

Should I stay? I know that if i do, it will never be the same again. You will continue to stray. You will.

Should I go? If I do, I might regret not giving you another chance. And I hate regrets. There’s just too many of them in my life.

You’re very special to me. I can see us happy, building a great future again.

Ugh. I really wished I never found out.