battles

Holy Week’s up. And since monday, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. I’ll be 26 soon, and I feel like life has passed me by. I have a lot of things to face, and most of them need immediate actions.

My nicotine addiction has been worsening. At least two packs a day. And I hate that fact. Most especially now that i’m in a lot of trouble, I puff my way to pass the time. I don’t care if I run out of money, but i get scared when I have no more ciggies in the middle of the night. I Don’t like this about myself, and God knows how many times I tried to quit.

My finances are pitiful. I’m back to living with my parents and I’m very grateful for it. Leaving a nice paying job in Manila was foolish, but I chased my dreams, and I’m happy where I’m at now. I just get sad when payday comes. Sure I have everything here. My parents take good care of me, but I can’t depend on them  my whole life.

I make bad decisions. I have to live with it, and that sucks. I turned to be the person I never wanted to be. And that’s because of YOU. I would do anything to make you happy, to keep you happy, for you to stay happy. Never mind my feelings, never mind my own happiness. I know I’m just a safe choice for you… Coz I was a nice woman and all that bullshit. I give you freedom to do what you want. I’ve seen you use that freedom, and it tore me so badly inside. But I didn’t say anything because I fear that you will leave. I was happy once. Everything was almost perfect, except for this. But seeing you happy, that’s all that matters. You told me, it’s just normal. If it is, then why does it fucking hurts??? I shouldn’t be doing this to myself, I deserve a better man. Not because I’m perfect, but because I am capable to love purely, wholeheartedly, and deeply. The love that i’m giving to you should be spent on someone who deserves it. But just like my nicotine addiction, you’re so fucking hard to quit.

I want peace of mind, serenity and security. Things that I have been constantly fighting to achieve. Wherever they are, I wish they will show up before it’s too late.

The people who judged me for one single mistake… You do not know me. You have no right to tell me not to do those things. I have never experienced those normal kinds of entertainment. It’s not like I’m doing drugs or killing someone. For God’s sake it was just beer. I was having fun with colleagues, what do you expect me to do? Sit there and text?

I desire to finish my masters degree. I wish to find time and resources to do it. I hope before I turn 30, I’ll be able to walk up the stage and get that freaking diploma.

*deep breath*

what i feel today

Things I’d Like to Say

To Myself:     I salute you. You have been invincible. You make me proud. Look at you now!

To Bruno:      I wish you never left me. I always long for your presence. Sleeping at night has been melancholic. I wish I can see your smile again. Your toys are still in my room… they are staring at me, wondering when they’re going to be useful again. Some of your clothes, they are still here. And I can’t bear to give them away. I’ll always wait for you.

To My Parents: Now I know what unconditional love is. I have been too impossible, but you were always there for me. During my crazy moments, you have my back and you never let go of me. Thank you are not the words… I’m overwhelmed with your love and support.

To My Joe:    Yeah… I’m happy for us. Because of you, I realized that I create my own happiness. I dont know where life will take us, but I hope that you are there in the future. But whatever happens, i’ll be happy having shared my life with you.

To Jo:     What happened to us? You’re still my bestfriend. Time and distance has been cruel. Maybe, I expected too much. I thought you will always be there. But now, it’s hard to find you. I need you.

To Madam:   I’m sorry. I cannot say anything more about it.

To my Bro:   I’m proud of you. I’ll always will be.

To my Ex:    Thanks for the memories eventhough they weren’t so great. He tastes like you, only sweeter.

To Horsey:   You are the sister I never had. I dont want to lose you. I’ll always love you. Can’t wait to be with you again!

To Manol:    No, I will not welcome you into my life anymore. I gave you the chance. If I gave you another, that would be very saintly of me. And I never dreamed of being a saint.

To Old Lady:   I hope you’ll die. You are a typical monster hidden behind rosaries and prayers. I will never forgive you. I hate you that much.

Torn

When do you let go?

I felt like a fool. I felt violated. I know you were sorry. I know you were ahamed of what you did. I’ve forgiven you. But I can never forget. Now look what you’ve done. I always doubt what you said. I dont trust you Like i trusted you before. But damn it, I still love you so much. But the hurt! The confusion! The doubt!

Should I stay? I know that if i do, it will never be the same again. You will continue to stray. You will.

Should I go? If I do, I might regret not giving you another chance. And I hate regrets. There’s just too many of them in my life.

You’re very special to me. I can see us happy, building a great future again.

Ugh. I really wished I never found out.

so this is how it feels

Honesty. My ass. Cheating online is still cheating. You dont know how shattered I felt when I learned about it. You just dont know how terrible I felt when I learned that you’re going to take her there too. You dont know how hurt I was when I learned that you call her that too.

What am I, you’re spare tire? I thought that what we have is real.

I Knew It

You told me you’re falling in love with me everyday. I knew you’re gonna say that. And instead of making me happy, fear gripped me.

I am scared to love a typical man. That’s why I stuck to them freak shows. I had relationships with a pastor to be, an ex monk, etc. Men whom I knew would never take advantage of me or hurt me in any way. I wanted to be secure and safe. But when I’m with them, the real me doesnt show. I pretend to be decent or demure or conservative. None of these are me. I am loud, adventurous, curious and dramatic.

You are a typical man- watches porn, reads girly mags, loves sports, etc. And everytime you show me such characteristics, I get fascinated and scared at the same time. You’ve been very honest with me about your views in polygamy and sex. I loved that about you. This "normalcy" thrills me. But it also makes me have second thoughts. When I’m with you, I can be as obnoxious as one can be, yet you never judged me. I can go places and you support me all the way. You make me feel right at home. All the time.

So I’m sorry if i get quiet when you’re baring your soul. I’m sorry that when you asked me to marry you, I said let’s think about this. I’m sorry that I didn’t say anything.

But my silence doesnt mean I don’t love you. Because the truth is, I’ve loved you since the first time we got together. Let me just think this through. Right now, I’m slowly stepping out of my comfort zone. Little by little, I am accepting the fact that not all men are like my exes. You stood out, and it just takes time getting used to it.

You used to be my hero

I am very much worried about you.

Here you go again. Grow fucking up. You cannot overcome that if you feel that you're the only person with tons of pains. Look at me. im still here. We are still here. What about us?Are we going to step out of our pace so we could accomodate your blues again?

Please. I care about you so much. But I cant do that thing again anymore. Too much already. I'm sorry.

I don’t give a freaking damn

Awww. Thanks for the texts and warnings about Megs. Oh dear, if you only knew… I really don't care about the shit you two are doing. Keep it up, make it last, make your damn mama proud. As for me, I have my own shit to live, ayt. I cant believe I wasted 20 texts on you though. Oh well. Sometimes I can be stupid. But judging from your texts, and the way you dont know what tata means… I don't think Im the only stupid person here.

Anyway… You. You've been testing me for the longest time, asking if I'm being true or not. Damn. I'm living a lie with you and I know that I can't go on like that. But how can I look you in the eye and break it to you? Ah, whatever. Time will tell.

Don't you just love dramas? I do.

The First Cut is The Deepest

I would have given you all of my life…

anyway… saturday mornings are the best.

So why am i crying?

This is for you, fucktard 2

Yep, here I go again. I was surfing youtube, and i came across Alanis Morissette's song… this one is called UNINVITED. And the last verse made me think of those fucktards who decided everything. You know who they are… they think they're conceived through immaculate conception, and that they are immaculate themselves. *Barf* 

So, here you go…

"Like any uncharted territory
I must seem greatly intriguing
You speak of my love like
You have experienced like mine before
But this is not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight"

the future belongs to those….

In a few weeks, i'll be leaving manila for good. Im excited to face the new life that awaits me in the city of smiles… but wait. I could still remember what my dad told me before i graduated from college: By the time that you're 21 and you're still in my house, I'm gonna kick your ass out.

So, here goes another disappointment, Daddie. I'm 25, and I'm returning home.

Anyway… after four years of hoping, and praying for my dream job, I've finally found it. The universe works in mysterious ways huh? God knows how I wanted that job. And now He's shoving it in my face. And I would be a fool if i don't grab it. Even if it means I'll be living with my folks again.

My mother dearest is currently renovating my room. Out with the old, in with the new. You might be wondering how am i doing. Pretty good I guess. I could cry my eyes out, and blame everyone for what has happened, but I know that life goes on. The sun still shines. The moon still rises. My fucking money is running out.

And what is a girl's bestfriend during times like this? Shopping. And chocolates. Thank God for malls and toblerone! And thank you David's Salon for keeping my toenails presentable.

Thank you- to my lilac crocs mary janes. To phone calls from Dara and Pat. To Bruno's text messages. To mother's unending queries about my day to day life. To Daddie's quirky texts. To my friend's jokes and laughter. To Coney's late night call that dreadful night.

I'll be home soon.

This is for you fucktard

Yes You. I hope you're happy now. So, you've proven that we're not gonna last, huh? So, you can say that yours is better, huh? How convenient for you. Now you won't have to worry about some things coz me and Mr. Loverboy has finally broken up. You Won. I hope you're fucking happy. you have no right to judge what we have. You have only seen a needle prick of it, you lousy, desperate son of a bitch. Who are you to fucking say?

You won. Now, get back to your cage and settle your life. Thanks for this, bastard.

words and phrases in my mind

-sometimes love just ain't enough

-let go. now.

-how could it be?

-can't believe it

-want to go home

-can't wait to go home

-reason for everything

-at least you knew early

-spaghetti and chicken

-live with it

- i learned my lesson. learned it the hard way

-you won't give me what i can't bear

ENOUGH

—–

some friendship never ends. I'm glad Megs was there to give me peace. We go way back. And then this blow in our lives, we find ourselves getting together again. But what I can offer him now is only pure friendship. It's too soon.

He was my first boyfriend. Then we drifted away… and then he found this girl, and i found this boy… and then we found ourselves being single again… and then we talked and it feels like home again. Only difference is, we're more mature now and we're wearing older faces.

During my birthday, he stayed with me til dawn. And i was crying my eyes out because Mr. Loverboy never called. And then he asked me… Are you going to be this sorrowful forever? You have a choice to be happy. And you know what? He's right. But as long as I'm here in Manila, i don't have the guts to choose to be happy. Not yet. Not now. When I get my ass back, I will choose to be happy.

And i always tell myself, Remember Robert Frost and hsi line:

In three words, I can sum up everything life has ever taught me…It Goes On.

I’m leaving on a jet plane

Two more days and i'll be setting foot on the City of Smiles…

Family and friends has been calling me non stop. I am glad that they are there for me. I wish I could repay their kindness…

What will I do there? I've been planning this trip for a long time. God works in mysterious ways, and now I know the reason why I booked this flight. *sigh*

How am I doing? Honestly, i don't want to dwell in this shit, but do i have a choice?

My Dad asked, what are your plans? Oh daddy! Let me recover first, will you? Have I disappointed you again? Im so, so, sorry Dad! And he told me, I'll buy you a car. Take driving lessons again… And I was like, I'll be on A1 Driving School ASAP. Ha! Aren't daddies cool? Agree?

My Momma said, get your ass back here, will go to Roxas. Rrright. And what will I do there? Bore myself to tears? No offense mother dearest but I'd rather dress some chicken in our backyard. *sulks*

And my little bro, he asked me if i could buy some beautiful beads because he's going to make a bracelet for me. Awwww.

So, I have a balikbayan box, and a huge maleta. I could hear Sheryl Crow in the background: my yesterdays are all boxed up, neatly put away…

——

To all those who left comments, Thank You so much. Especially for your encouragement. I'll be fixing this blog real soon, so excuse me if i could not link you right now, but soon, I will! Promise!!!

All together now: MADWOMAN, WELCOME TO SINGLE LIFE!

They keep telling i’ll survive

Six years. The best years of my life.

How can I step into the future when all my plans were laid with him? How will I take tomorrow, later, today, next month, next year?

We were strong, i thought. With a 15 year age gap (which was never a problem), different personalities, no major hoo has… only a stupid argument on when we're going to live together… and then Wham! It's over. Yeah… we're supposed to get married this October, but what could I do?

I'm still in disbelief. I'm still hoping that I will see him, and then he will take me back. But I know, that it's really over. Aaargh.

He should have fought for this. He could have understood.

I keep wishing that I'll just drop dead.

Sinking Ship

It's really over.

It's hard to believe, hard to let go… but i have no choice. I thought we could make it, just like before. I wasn't prepared that this time, we really have to say goodbye.

To you, Mr. Loverboy, thank you. It was a good one. I've seen you struggle. I've seen you fought for us… but it wasn't enough. If it had been up to only the two of us, it would have been fixed. But, yeah… 6 years, one incompatibility, and then it's over.

So…delete, purge, erase.

It's hard, and I don't know how I will pull this through, but… I just know that I can. Thank you mama. Thank you papa. Thank you tita. thank you friends.

Deep Shit

Man, I'm in deep shit.

Couple of days ago, my landlady told me that her daughter is gonna use the space that I'm renting, and that I have to move out in June. Hey, no worries, right? There are a million of apartments in the metro. Still, my habitat was threatened, and I got worried. So, being the damsel in distress that I am, I ran to Mr. Loverboy.

Now, I told you that Mr. Loverboy is ultra conservative. Read my second entry if you must.

I told Mr. Loverboy that when I move into a new apartment, I want him to move in with me. After all, we've been steadies for more than half a decade, and I've been in Manila for four years now. Know what Mr. Loverboy said? We can't live together under one roof unless we get married. And I said, fine we'll get married, but for once, samahan mo naman ako mamuhay dito.

Of course, his "values" prevailed, he was very firm in telling me no can do. And to cut this bullshit short, I broke up with him last night. And I don't know if I did the right thing. He's the only one I have here… except for a handful of relatives and friends.

I was so sad last night, I rang up my daddy and told him that we have broken up. I was prepared to hear him say, I Told You So, but he said, I'll be on the next plane this saturday. And that even made me sadder. I am so ashamed of what I did, choosing Mr. Loverboy over my family. And Now, I'm done with him, I move my ass back to my family. I am sooo not worth of their love and concern.

And then suddenly, my cell kept on beeping messages and ringing endlessly. My father alerted the entire clan about the break up. Distant relatives offered refuge. Even my sister whom I don't really care about called me! I was overwhelmed.

And today, I woke up… and the first thought was: What the fuck have I done???

I am suddenly so scared… I have nothing without Mr. Loverboy. In the first place, he's the very reason why my fat ass is here in Manila. What will I do without him? How will I go on? Makakaya ko ba ito? Pano na ako bukas, sa sabado, linggo??

Friends, did I do the right thing? If you're girlfriend is in my shoes, would you move in with her? Am i just being too demanding and aggressive?

I need your answers and opinion. Thank you.

kinda emotional

"Dad, are you disappointed?"

When I was just a small fry, I had all the qualities of being a most-likely-to-succeed shit. Good grades, popularity, the works. But somehow, I was left behind. I never made it to the top three. During contests and events, I always came in second, third… and I would always look at my dad, and I would hear him say kanugon (sayang!). It was always like this:

Dad, I got a 97 in Econ. I'm the third in class.

What's the grade of the top 1?

98.9 Dad.

Kanugon. Two points more and you'll be the top 1.

And to add to his gazillion failed expectations, I took up a course in college which nobody would thought that I will take. Let's just say that instead of taking up a business course or medicine, I ended up with something so far out from that.

Last night, I called home. I told him about some decision I made and he was a bit shocked. We had a long silence, and this gigantic lump was forming at my throat. I asked him if I disappointed him and he said, I'm damn proud of you. I couldn't believe what I heard. He's proud of me… and here I am, unaccomplished, struggling, nobody. Somehow, it just made me feel that I really failed his expectations.

I broke into a sobbing fit.