battles

Holy Week’s up. And since monday, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. I’ll be 26 soon, and I feel like life has passed me by. I have a lot of things to face, and most of them need immediate actions.

My nicotine addiction has been worsening. At least two packs a day. And I hate that fact. Most especially now that i’m in a lot of trouble, I puff my way to pass the time. I don’t care if I run out of money, but i get scared when I have no more ciggies in the middle of the night. I Don’t like this about myself, and God knows how many times I tried to quit.

My finances are pitiful. I’m back to living with my parents and I’m very grateful for it. Leaving a nice paying job in Manila was foolish, but I chased my dreams, and I’m happy where I’m at now. I just get sad when payday comes. Sure I have everything here. My parents take good care of me, but I can’t depend on them  my whole life.

I make bad decisions. I have to live with it, and that sucks. I turned to be the person I never wanted to be. And that’s because of YOU. I would do anything to make you happy, to keep you happy, for you to stay happy. Never mind my feelings, never mind my own happiness. I know I’m just a safe choice for you… Coz I was a nice woman and all that bullshit. I give you freedom to do what you want. I’ve seen you use that freedom, and it tore me so badly inside. But I didn’t say anything because I fear that you will leave. I was happy once. Everything was almost perfect, except for this. But seeing you happy, that’s all that matters. You told me, it’s just normal. If it is, then why does it fucking hurts??? I shouldn’t be doing this to myself, I deserve a better man. Not because I’m perfect, but because I am capable to love purely, wholeheartedly, and deeply. The love that i’m giving to you should be spent on someone who deserves it. But just like my nicotine addiction, you’re so fucking hard to quit.

I want peace of mind, serenity and security. Things that I have been constantly fighting to achieve. Wherever they are, I wish they will show up before it’s too late.

The people who judged me for one single mistake… You do not know me. You have no right to tell me not to do those things. I have never experienced those normal kinds of entertainment. It’s not like I’m doing drugs or killing someone. For God’s sake it was just beer. I was having fun with colleagues, what do you expect me to do? Sit there and text?

I desire to finish my masters degree. I wish to find time and resources to do it. I hope before I turn 30, I’ll be able to walk up the stage and get that freaking diploma.

*deep breath*

Things I Hate

1. Foods I Hate- Being a foodie, i only hate paksiw dishes.

2. Fruit I hate- Im not really fond of chico… i hate the smell.

3. Vegetable I Hate- Squash. Hehehe.

4. Celebrities I hate- Kiera Knightly. I dont know. Her smile irritates me for unknown reasons.

5. Event I Hate- Graduation. Mixed emotions.

6. Movie I Hate- Mandy Moore's movies. Yes, even the a Walk to Remember.

7. Music I Hate- the super, duper hard rock.

8. Chore I Hate- Sweeping the floor.

9. Thing I Hate About the World- Global Warming.

10. Thing I hate about myself- Knowing what's wrong and still doing it. Damn.

Thanks alohapenny, for this cute tag.

I don’t give a freaking damn

Awww. Thanks for the texts and warnings about Megs. Oh dear, if you only knew… I really don't care about the shit you two are doing. Keep it up, make it last, make your damn mama proud. As for me, I have my own shit to live, ayt. I cant believe I wasted 20 texts on you though. Oh well. Sometimes I can be stupid. But judging from your texts, and the way you dont know what tata means… I don't think Im the only stupid person here.

Anyway… You. You've been testing me for the longest time, asking if I'm being true or not. Damn. I'm living a lie with you and I know that I can't go on like that. But how can I look you in the eye and break it to you? Ah, whatever. Time will tell.

Don't you just love dramas? I do.

This thing called alanis morissette

When i was in high school, i was a great fan of Ms. Morissette. I memorized all the lyrics of her Jagged Little Pill album. I felt that every song in that album speaks sooo much about my life, and everybody's life. I have some words and phrases of her songs etched in my… heart (heehee).

Anyway… the past days have me listening to that album once again. Part of my bumhood, you know. And I felt 15 again

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I love you Ace

I went to Ace Water Spa a few days ago and i must say, what an experience!!! Hydrotherapy is the next big thing next to Wentworth Miller. I love the rain shower massage… so ticklish and soft, and very relaxing. Their Herbal pool rocked too. Warm tub of minty water and jasmine… hmmmmm. You have to try it!!! While I was being pampered, i literally felt all the stress melting away. I felt so reborn. The pool is like a womb, you know. Very nice and warm water massqaging you wherever you please! Hope to be back there soon!

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