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end of the road
April 25, 2008i have found my sanity.
my life has found it’s direction.
i have found my true peace in this lifetime of war.
i bid farewell to my madness.
i am no longer mad woman.
thank you to all those who took time reading my mad posts. 
battles
March 18, 2008Holy Week’s up. And since monday, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. I’ll be 26 soon, and I feel like life has passed me by. I have a lot of things to face, and most of them need immediate actions.
My nicotine addiction has been worsening. At least two packs a day. And I hate that fact. Most especially now that i’m in a lot of trouble, I puff my way to pass the time. I don’t care if I run out of money, but i get scared when I have no more ciggies in the middle of the night. I Don’t like this about myself, and God knows how many times I tried to quit.
My finances are pitiful. I’m back to living with my parents and I’m very grateful for it. Leaving a nice paying job in Manila was foolish, but I chased my dreams, and I’m happy where I’m at now. I just get sad when payday comes. Sure I have everything here. My parents take good care of me, but I can’t depend on them my whole life.
I make bad decisions. I have to live with it, and that sucks. I turned to be the person I never wanted to be. And that’s because of YOU. I would do anything to make you happy, to keep you happy, for you to stay happy. Never mind my feelings, never mind my own happiness. I know I’m just a safe choice for you… Coz I was a nice woman and all that bullshit. I give you freedom to do what you want. I’ve seen you use that freedom, and it tore me so badly inside. But I didn’t say anything because I fear that you will leave. I was happy once. Everything was almost perfect, except for this. But seeing you happy, that’s all that matters. You told me, it’s just normal. If it is, then why does it fucking hurts??? I shouldn’t be doing this to myself, I deserve a better man. Not because I’m perfect, but because I am capable to love purely, wholeheartedly, and deeply. The love that i’m giving to you should be spent on someone who deserves it. But just like my nicotine addiction, you’re so fucking hard to quit.
I want peace of mind, serenity and security. Things that I have been constantly fighting to achieve. Wherever they are, I wish they will show up before it’s too late.
The people who judged me for one single mistake… You do not know me. You have no right to tell me not to do those things. I have never experienced those normal kinds of entertainment. It’s not like I’m doing drugs or killing someone. For God’s sake it was just beer. I was having fun with colleagues, what do you expect me to do? Sit there and text?
I desire to finish my masters degree. I wish to find time and resources to do it. I hope before I turn 30, I’ll be able to walk up the stage and get that freaking diploma.
*deep breath*
While I was watching you sleep
February 26, 2008I am writing this while you were sleeping in my bed… I was staring at you for a long time, and a wave of sadness washed over me. There you are, so peaceful, so sweet, so calm. But another string tugged inside me. You lied to me. and I didnt know what the fuck you were doing out there while we’ve been apart. I have only known bits and pieces and those were enough to break my heart. I didn’t cried. I promise myself never to cry again. I told myself, i’ll never see you again. But when I saw you at my door, everything changed. i welcomed you again with open arms.
But sometimes, I have so many doubts. i cannot trust you like before. and i hate it. you are so good, and i love you dearly. But i think i deserve another man. Because of you, I became a woman that i loath to be. I became wild. I became a liar, just like you. And when I found out about that fucking thing, i slept with somebody. Because I thought that the sex would free me of the hurt you caused when you cheated. But it didn’t. It made me feel worse. And I have to live with that for the rest of my life.
I am not like this. I was once a good girl. I dont just throw myself around. But you hurt me so bad I didn’t gave a fuck anymore.
what the fuck is wrong with me?
February 23, 2008This should be the happiest day of my life.
so, why am i crying?
Things I’d Like to Say
February 6, 2008To Myself: I salute you. You have been invincible. You make me proud. Look at you now!
To Bruno: I wish you never left me. I always long for your presence. Sleeping at night has been melancholic. I wish I can see your smile again. Your toys are still in my room… they are staring at me, wondering when they’re going to be useful again. Some of your clothes, they are still here. And I can’t bear to give them away. I’ll always wait for you.
To My Parents: Now I know what unconditional love is. I have been too impossible, but you were always there for me. During my crazy moments, you have my back and you never let go of me. Thank you are not the words… I’m overwhelmed with your love and support.
To My Joe: Yeah… I’m happy for us. Because of you, I realized that I create my own happiness. I dont know where life will take us, but I hope that you are there in the future. But whatever happens, i’ll be happy having shared my life with you.
To Jo: What happened to us? You’re still my bestfriend. Time and distance has been cruel. Maybe, I expected too much. I thought you will always be there. But now, it’s hard to find you. I need you.
To Madam: I’m sorry. I cannot say anything more about it.
To my Bro: I’m proud of you. I’ll always will be.
To my Ex: Thanks for the memories eventhough they weren’t so great. He tastes like you, only sweeter.
To Horsey: You are the sister I never had. I dont want to lose you. I’ll always love you. Can’t wait to be with you again!
To Manol: No, I will not welcome you into my life anymore. I gave you the chance. If I gave you another, that would be very saintly of me. And I never dreamed of being a saint.
To Old Lady: I hope you’ll die. You are a typical monster hidden behind rosaries and prayers. I will never forgive you. I hate you that much.
Torn
January 29, 2008When do you let go?
I felt like a fool. I felt violated. I know you were sorry. I know you were ahamed of what you did. I’ve forgiven you. But I can never forget. Now look what you’ve done. I always doubt what you said. I dont trust you Like i trusted you before. But damn it, I still love you so much. But the hurt! The confusion! The doubt!
Should I stay? I know that if i do, it will never be the same again. You will continue to stray. You will.
Should I go? If I do, I might regret not giving you another chance. And I hate regrets. There’s just too many of them in my life.
You’re very special to me. I can see us happy, building a great future again.
Ugh. I really wished I never found out.
I Knew It
January 22, 2008
You told me you’re falling in love with me everyday. I knew you’re gonna say that. And instead of making me happy, fear gripped me.
I am scared to love a typical man. That’s why I stuck to them freak shows. I had relationships with a pastor to be, an ex monk, etc. Men whom I knew would never take advantage of me or hurt me in any way. I wanted to be secure and safe. But when I’m with them, the real me doesnt show. I pretend to be decent or demure or conservative. None of these are me. I am loud, adventurous, curious and dramatic.
You are a typical man- watches porn, reads girly mags, loves sports, etc. And everytime you show me such characteristics, I get fascinated and scared at the same time. You’ve been very honest with me about your views in polygamy and sex. I loved that about you. This "normalcy" thrills me. But it also makes me have second thoughts. When I’m with you, I can be as obnoxious as one can be, yet you never judged me. I can go places and you support me all the way. You make me feel right at home. All the time.
So I’m sorry if i get quiet when you’re baring your soul. I’m sorry that when you asked me to marry you, I said let’s think about this. I’m sorry that I didn’t say anything.
But my silence doesnt mean I don’t love you. Because the truth is, I’ve loved you since the first time we got together. Let me just think this through. Right now, I’m slowly stepping out of my comfort zone. Little by little, I am accepting the fact that not all men are like my exes. You stood out, and it just takes time getting used to it.
Oh yeah, I am still alive
January 5, 2008Happy 2008 everyone!
When I look back at 2007, I can’t help but smile and tell myself that I had it all… great job, broken engagement, real friends, travels, new relationship, fabulous family, bumming around, and a dream job.
Im one lucky girl. Hmmm. The highlight of the past year are both men related. I broke up with my boyfriend of 6 years, and then I met someone special. Career wise, I was able to land a job which I have been aiming for since I stepped out of USLS campus. I am now a freaking college instructor, teaching History to sophomores and juniors of the local college.
My aunt used to tell me that after grieving, graces are sure to follow. Damn right she was. Because I was freed from my ex’s own interpretations of morality, I was able to step out of his circle and saw the world in my own eyes. I’ve met a lot of people and seen a lot of places. And i owe him one for that. Had I stayed with him, I would probably be still stuck to the world of outsourcing (which was great, but it wasnt part of my dream).
I am more patient and saner now. Ive learned to give people time. And I have learned to finally relax. Its good to be alive, dear friends. Its good to grow up and face the world.
Where this new relationship will lead me, I do not know. But I know better now. I will let it run its own course. I’ll be more mellow.
Alive and Kicking
September 20, 2007Been very busy these past days. Change of career, so go figure. I hope I'll bag this one. This is what I've been dreaming for all my life.
Bu will be gone for a little while. Saying goodbye to him was the sweetest goodbye Ive ever done. See you christmas time, Bu!
I have so much to share, but i need to get going!
Mwah.
Gotta be one of the best weeks
August 29, 2007Spent 8 days in siquijor with Bu. Wow. I was blown away. The island have so much to offer… white sand beaches, warm people, beautiful mountains. I loved every minute I spent in it. Most especially, the road trips on a dirt bike. And the waterfalls, the highest peak…. <deep breath>
So there… Im hopping from place to place. Tomorrow, we'll be in Roxas.
Thanks Bu. Everyday is so much fun.
i want you to feel pretty even when im not here
August 7, 2007you just dont know how happy you made me. i wish i could tell you that. i never thought i would meet someone like you… you have the coolest smile, the coolest words, the coolest everything. you gave me so much more than companionship. you just dont know how thankful i am that you're here with me. and you have such a way of making me see things differently. the past years, i felt like i was in chains… but you reminded me that life is short, so i have to make the most of it. im glad i listened. i will not get tired of saying that you gave me the most liberating experience ever.
and oh yeah, thanks for helping me conquer that waterfall. i was never that close to a rainbow in my whole life. thanks for making me feel so good. i'll always love you for that.
Yes, its happening
July 11, 2007This saturday… I will be in my own house, sleeping in my own room. A lot of people told me that I'm being silly for quitting my job and leaving Manila for good.
But I have to say that I am not a helpless, little girl coming home to mommy and daddy. Im simply having a "cool change". Puh Lease. Being in Manila for four years now, working my ass off… and then having a life changing event… I need to recharge. Get my bearings. and who knows where the wind will take me? I treat this stage of my life as an adventure. So… to qoute my best, WHATEVER YOU SAY, WHATEVER YOU DO, YOU CAN'T TAKE AWAY THE SMILE IN MY FACE, SO BACK OFF!!!
Anyway… people keep asking about my lovelife. i'll let you know soon. I might even post some pictures 
Don't you just love life? My friend's tattoo sez: Live, love and learn.
Fitting.
Mwah to all.
Missing Bruno
July 1, 2007I woke up and thought of Bruno. I miss him so much. I especially miss his tricks… and the way he would call me by my first name or tita or mommy, all depending on his mood. I want to carry him again and tickle his sides.
Anyway, it just got me thinking… now that I'm jobless, I'm worried about Bruno… I know that he got his mom and grandparents but they can only do so much. I am inspired to get a job as soon as possible so that I will be able to provide for him again. *sigh*
I never really liked babies until Bruno came along. He's my angel
Anyway, I miss you MJ. I browsed at your phonebook and I came across an entry named "bestfriend". I dialled it and I got surprised that my Cellphone rang. Awww. I miss you biatch.
And Megs…how can I tell you? You're my favorite mistake.
this and that
June 25, 20071. Oh my God… just visited Perezhilton and there's a rumor that My Wentworth Miller is gay!!! According to Perez, it has been six months that Wenty is secretly dating Luke McFarlane. SOB!!! I can take a million broken hearts, but my Wenty being gay? Nooooooooo!
2. How come nobody told me that Scrubs is awesome? Finished the 1st season this weekend and i cant get enough. Doctor Dorian is soooo funny and cute.
3. Mangosteen = heaven. Oh my goodness!!! Been having this fruit for the day… and I moan whenever I take a piece. Gosh!
4. Dillema: To stay in manila or to go back home? Hmmm…
5. Megs… I am so sorry. I need to find the courage to tell him real soon. Fuck.
6. Dental braces are GONE… whew!!! Now i can smile like Katie Holmes, bwahahahaha. Seriously, it's such a relief to feel my teeth without the metal brackets. And I loved how my teeth are almost perfectly aligned.
7. I want to get drunk… Coz I want to be emo and all that snatzz. Care to drink with me?
Dear friends, brothers, and sisters, and especially, Self:
June 14, 2007Please always be reminded of this truth:
*"A lot of us has built dreams with people we hoped would be with us forever… only to wake up to the reality that nothing's permanent in this world. Love comes and goes. People stay and leave. Life is a constant cycle of finding and losing; of making and breaking; of dying and living again…"
* found this from the net… forgot the site, sorry.
How much of the Phils you have visited?
My Lakbayan grade is C-!
How much of the Philippines have you visited? Find out at Lakbayan!
Created by Eugene Villar.
A Tale of Gluttony
June 13, 2007Just came back from lunch. My God I'm so full!!!
Me and my officemates had a meeting with our client and we picked Burgoo (podium branch). The appetizer was chicken wings with blue cheese dip… it was good. Then another appetizer was ordered which was the three- meat kebab with potato wedges. By the time I was munching the meat, I was already so full. But noooo. The seafood caesar salad came, and of course, i took a plate too. Lettuce is strange… for something so light, it could make you so full. Must be the water, huh? And for my main dish, I ordered blackened salmon with a scoop of mashed potato (terrible mashed potato evar) and house salad on the side. Halfway through my salmon, I felt a little bit dizzy. I must have lacked oxygen coz I could hardly breathe. But damn, the salmon was good. Better than orgasm, I must say. Top that with a big glass of orange juice. My fat belly is huge alright, but what I consumed was really humungous. Five minutes after the main dish was gobbled up, I caught sight of their raspberry cheesecake. Of course, I ordered it! My, the cake was gigantic, almost half of the reular plate. And the raspberry sauce was oozing!!! I shared it with my officemates, and we all agree that it's the best cheesecake so far…
I went back to the office with a bulging belly. Makes me want to go to the gym and sweat it all out.
Hmmmm….wish i could hear some of your glutonous tale
Xoxo
Rush, rush, rush
Last three days at work… then i'll fix my clearance and head home.
Last night, someone told me to take my time. That healing takes time. I agree. But I cant see myself wallowing in all these pain for a long time!!! I want to get it over with as quickly as possible.
And am i just using Megs? I dont know. I dont know. I just want to get this heartbreak over with!
Please, im so confused, and im not myself. I dont want to cry. I dont want to think about anything related to the break up. This is me. This is how I heal. Im not running away. Im not! I'm not!!!
Gay Pride
June 12, 2007My brother is gay. And I'm damn proud of him. The whole family doesn't have any problem with my brother being gay. Apparently, the world have.
We love watching Project Runway and America's Next Top Model. We love commenting on gowns, designers and beauty pageants. He's the best brother you could have. He adores me and loves me to death. I love him more than my life! I could always count on him. Though I'm eleven years older than him, we have a lot in common.
My heart broke when I was giving him a pep talk the other night. Things like "be proud of who you are", "stand up for yourself", etc were said. And he told me, it's easy for you to say… you don't get teased everyday, no one taunts you, you dont worry about acceptance…
He is a cool guy. A very loving son, very cheerful, very friendly guy. He doesnt deserve to be treated that way.
*Actually, I don't know how to write my feelings regarding this. Im still sad and worried for my brother. I have high respect for gay people. Most of my friends are gay. I guess i just wanted to say that underneath that cheery facade of gay people, lies a son, a friend, a brother just like everyone else. No one should tease or taunt them. It hurts.