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While I was watching you sleep
February 26, 2008I am writing this while you were sleeping in my bed… I was staring at you for a long time, and a wave of sadness washed over me. There you are, so peaceful, so sweet, so calm. But another string tugged inside me. You lied to me. and I didnt know what the fuck you were doing out there while we’ve been apart. I have only known bits and pieces and those were enough to break my heart. I didn’t cried. I promise myself never to cry again. I told myself, i’ll never see you again. But when I saw you at my door, everything changed. i welcomed you again with open arms.
But sometimes, I have so many doubts. i cannot trust you like before. and i hate it. you are so good, and i love you dearly. But i think i deserve another man. Because of you, I became a woman that i loath to be. I became wild. I became a liar, just like you. And when I found out about that fucking thing, i slept with somebody. Because I thought that the sex would free me of the hurt you caused when you cheated. But it didn’t. It made me feel worse. And I have to live with that for the rest of my life.
I am not like this. I was once a good girl. I dont just throw myself around. But you hurt me so bad I didn’t gave a fuck anymore.
Torn
January 29, 2008When do you let go?
I felt like a fool. I felt violated. I know you were sorry. I know you were ahamed of what you did. I’ve forgiven you. But I can never forget. Now look what you’ve done. I always doubt what you said. I dont trust you Like i trusted you before. But damn it, I still love you so much. But the hurt! The confusion! The doubt!
Should I stay? I know that if i do, it will never be the same again. You will continue to stray. You will.
Should I go? If I do, I might regret not giving you another chance. And I hate regrets. There’s just too many of them in my life.
You’re very special to me. I can see us happy, building a great future again.
Ugh. I really wished I never found out.
I Knew It
January 22, 2008
You told me you’re falling in love with me everyday. I knew you’re gonna say that. And instead of making me happy, fear gripped me.
I am scared to love a typical man. That’s why I stuck to them freak shows. I had relationships with a pastor to be, an ex monk, etc. Men whom I knew would never take advantage of me or hurt me in any way. I wanted to be secure and safe. But when I’m with them, the real me doesnt show. I pretend to be decent or demure or conservative. None of these are me. I am loud, adventurous, curious and dramatic.
You are a typical man- watches porn, reads girly mags, loves sports, etc. And everytime you show me such characteristics, I get fascinated and scared at the same time. You’ve been very honest with me about your views in polygamy and sex. I loved that about you. This "normalcy" thrills me. But it also makes me have second thoughts. When I’m with you, I can be as obnoxious as one can be, yet you never judged me. I can go places and you support me all the way. You make me feel right at home. All the time.
So I’m sorry if i get quiet when you’re baring your soul. I’m sorry that when you asked me to marry you, I said let’s think about this. I’m sorry that I didn’t say anything.
But my silence doesnt mean I don’t love you. Because the truth is, I’ve loved you since the first time we got together. Let me just think this through. Right now, I’m slowly stepping out of my comfort zone. Little by little, I am accepting the fact that not all men are like my exes. You stood out, and it just takes time getting used to it.
im honored to share this moment with you
August 14, 2007So, what I've been up to?
its been three weeks since my Buang got here. And we're still together. I love this moment, you know. I can be whatever I want to be. And its so damn fine to be with a typical man… you know what I mean? I love the way he spits and burps and drives… Hey, can somebody get this unending smile off my face? Heehee. Anyways. I've been to so many pretty places. Mountains, rivers, beaches… and I'm so happy to have spent this adventure with somebody who gave me a brand new pair of eyes… It's as if i'm seeing everything for the firs time. And I feel so good, I just dont have the words to describe it. Oh shit. I hate beeing a cheeseball. But geez… can't fucking help it.
Moving on.
Thank you Lord, for the wonderful weeks that went by. Thank you. Thank you.
i want you to feel pretty even when im not here
August 7, 2007you just dont know how happy you made me. i wish i could tell you that. i never thought i would meet someone like you… you have the coolest smile, the coolest words, the coolest everything. you gave me so much more than companionship. you just dont know how thankful i am that you're here with me. and you have such a way of making me see things differently. the past years, i felt like i was in chains… but you reminded me that life is short, so i have to make the most of it. im glad i listened. i will not get tired of saying that you gave me the most liberating experience ever.
and oh yeah, thanks for helping me conquer that waterfall. i was never that close to a rainbow in my whole life. thanks for making me feel so good. i'll always love you for that.
You Light Up My Life
July 13, 2007No, dont promise me a thing. Don't even mention the word forever, god damn it. I learned well enough that no matter how crazy in love you are, promises just dont work. It even hurt you in the end, when all around you has crashed. Thinking about those promises, those fucking pledges of love. I want none of those anymore. And if you find me cold and cynical, go on and open that door. Leave if you must. I wont cling to you or beg you to reconsider. I've been burned beyond reason, so please dont blame if I'm being like that.
Still, I want to thank you for being cool about it. For giving me enough room to grow. For not being narrow minded. For loving me. For the freedom you gave me. For not putting any kind of restrictions in my life… damn, i had so many restrictions the past six years I dont even know how it feels like to be free. Thank you for not pushing me to the limits. With you, I am carefree, I am blesses, I am loving once again.
Where the wind will take us, that I do not know. Im not expecting too much, but I'm glad you're beside me.
Yes, its happening
July 11, 2007This saturday… I will be in my own house, sleeping in my own room. A lot of people told me that I'm being silly for quitting my job and leaving Manila for good.
But I have to say that I am not a helpless, little girl coming home to mommy and daddy. Im simply having a "cool change". Puh Lease. Being in Manila for four years now, working my ass off… and then having a life changing event… I need to recharge. Get my bearings. and who knows where the wind will take me? I treat this stage of my life as an adventure. So… to qoute my best, WHATEVER YOU SAY, WHATEVER YOU DO, YOU CAN'T TAKE AWAY THE SMILE IN MY FACE, SO BACK OFF!!!
Anyway… people keep asking about my lovelife. i'll let you know soon. I might even post some pictures 
Don't you just love life? My friend's tattoo sez: Live, love and learn.
Fitting.
Mwah to all.
Thank you for making me smile again
July 7, 2007We can finish a pack of marlboro lights. Walk to the beach. Go fishing. Talk about life's shit. Thanks for believing in me too. Thanks for understanding. And for not judging me. You know, before you came, I thought I would be drowning in whatyacallit fuck. And I really thank the Lord for knowing you. You lit up my life. And I felt human once again. From blob, to this… Hello Normal. Hello world. Anyway, I've never cried hard enough to let the world know I'm hurt. But fuck it, now Im crying because of the hope that I see in you. It touched me so deep, that I never thought it would be possible. I hate the drama. I dont like baggages. I just want to thank you for bringing me back to life again. And if you go, which I know will happen soon, do not worry about me. I will be fine. I will spit like a man. Dust off my boots and still walk forward. Hoping to catch you again. And just like what we say in high school, friends forever, you spunk.
Fixing a broken heart
June 8, 2007Oh…the dating game is about to start.
I've talked to Aus last night. We talked for 25 minutes. We talked about religion and stuff. There were a few dead air, but nevertheless, it was a very good chat. We are both in the process of healing. And we know exactly what we're going through. Are we flirting? No. Not yet anyway.
It looks like me and Megs are back together again. I don't know. We're talking on the phone regularly. And lately, we've been talking about getting back together. Honestly, I'm not yet ready to be in a relationship (maybe, next month heehee). But I have this stupid feeling that in order for me to forget all about "it", I would be needing someone new. Is it unfair??? I'm not that "atat" to be in a relationship again (unlike someone I know… ). But as the song says: Nobody wants to be lonely… nobody wants to cryyyyyy. Do I love Megs? Yes. Since I was 12 years old.
Anyway, I can't mope forever you know. And Megs has been my friend since my childhood years. Think about Dawson's Creek… and we were a couple during our high school years. After almost eight years, we're walking down the same road again. We learned from our mistakes. We know each other better now. But somehow, a part of me says NO. Though it's just a teeny weeny voice in my head, I can't seem to ignore it. A big part of me says GO AHEAD. Honestly, I really want to. But I don't know…
So… I think I'll just let myself loose this time. Been to too much restrictions, and my life got fucked up. Sometimes, I'm awashed with regrets over the time I spent disillusioned… Not anymore, baby. This time, I won't fall in love with the idea of love. Of loving someone different… of staying in a relationship because we're popular. Nah… not anymore. Madwoman has already grown up.
Now This Is Bruno
May 25, 2007
Ok. Bruno is my cousin's son. She lives in a squatter's area somewhere in Pasig. Her partner is a drunkard. He beats her. This cousin of mine, we go way back. When she was still in the City of Smiles, she used to live with my family. She was, in a way, my nanny. She took care of everything I needed. I love her. Sadly, she wasn't able to finish school. She went to Manila to look for a job, but ended up with some lousy bastard.
Earlier last year, I received a text message from her. We met up, and that's when I met Bruno. He was about five month old. She asked me if she could live with me. I had a decent apartment then. I, along with my housemates, took them in.
Last October, I sent them back in Negros because I transferred to a dorm.
(more…)
I’m leaving on a jet plane
May 14, 2007Two more days and i'll be setting foot on the City of Smiles…
Family and friends has been calling me non stop. I am glad that they are there for me. I wish I could repay their kindness…
What will I do there? I've been planning this trip for a long time. God works in mysterious ways, and now I know the reason why I booked this flight. *sigh*
How am I doing? Honestly, i don't want to dwell in this shit, but do i have a choice?
My Dad asked, what are your plans? Oh daddy! Let me recover first, will you? Have I disappointed you again? Im so, so, sorry Dad! And he told me, I'll buy you a car. Take driving lessons again… And I was like, I'll be on A1 Driving School ASAP. Ha! Aren't daddies cool? Agree?
My Momma said, get your ass back here, will go to Roxas. Rrright. And what will I do there? Bore myself to tears? No offense mother dearest but I'd rather dress some chicken in our backyard. *sulks*
And my little bro, he asked me if i could buy some beautiful beads because he's going to make a bracelet for me. Awwww.
So, I have a balikbayan box, and a huge maleta. I could hear Sheryl Crow in the background: my yesterdays are all boxed up, neatly put away…
——
To all those who left comments, Thank You so much. Especially for your encouragement. I'll be fixing this blog real soon, so excuse me if i could not link you right now, but soon, I will! Promise!!!
All together now: MADWOMAN, WELCOME TO SINGLE LIFE!
They keep telling i’ll survive
May 10, 2007Six years. The best years of my life.
How can I step into the future when all my plans were laid with him? How will I take tomorrow, later, today, next month, next year?
We were strong, i thought. With a 15 year age gap (which was never a problem), different personalities, no major hoo has… only a stupid argument on when we're going to live together… and then Wham! It's over. Yeah… we're supposed to get married this October, but what could I do?
I'm still in disbelief. I'm still hoping that I will see him, and then he will take me back. But I know, that it's really over. Aaargh.
He should have fought for this. He could have understood.
I keep wishing that I'll just drop dead.
Deep Shit
May 3, 2007Man, I'm in deep shit.
Couple of days ago, my landlady told me that her daughter is gonna use the space that I'm renting, and that I have to move out in June. Hey, no worries, right? There are a million of apartments in the metro. Still, my habitat was threatened, and I got worried. So, being the damsel in distress that I am, I ran to Mr. Loverboy.
Now, I told you that Mr. Loverboy is ultra conservative. Read my second entry if you must.
I told Mr. Loverboy that when I move into a new apartment, I want him to move in with me. After all, we've been steadies for more than half a decade, and I've been in Manila for four years now. Know what Mr. Loverboy said? We can't live together under one roof unless we get married. And I said, fine we'll get married, but for once, samahan mo naman ako mamuhay dito.
Of course, his "values" prevailed, he was very firm in telling me no can do. And to cut this bullshit short, I broke up with him last night. And I don't know if I did the right thing. He's the only one I have here… except for a handful of relatives and friends.
I was so sad last night, I rang up my daddy and told him that we have broken up. I was prepared to hear him say, I Told You So, but he said, I'll be on the next plane this saturday. And that even made me sadder. I am so ashamed of what I did, choosing Mr. Loverboy over my family. And Now, I'm done with him, I move my ass back to my family. I am sooo not worth of their love and concern.
And then suddenly, my cell kept on beeping messages and ringing endlessly. My father alerted the entire clan about the break up. Distant relatives offered refuge. Even my sister whom I don't really care about called me! I was overwhelmed.
And today, I woke up… and the first thought was: What the fuck have I done???
I am suddenly so scared… I have nothing without Mr. Loverboy. In the first place, he's the very reason why my fat ass is here in Manila. What will I do without him? How will I go on? Makakaya ko ba ito? Pano na ako bukas, sa sabado, linggo??
Friends, did I do the right thing? If you're girlfriend is in my shoes, would you move in with her? Am i just being too demanding and aggressive?
I need your answers and opinion. Thank you.
Turn me loose
April 30, 2007a little bit grumpy today. wasn't able to sleep well, and a thought just popped up.
I came from the visayas, and four years ago, I hauled my ass to Manila. Because of a boy… what people would do for love, right? Ha! We've been together for two years then and I felt that he's worth all the trouble. After all, he is *this* close to a Saint… i kid you not.
anyway… last month was my four year anniv here in Manila My Manila… and maybe you'd think that me and Mr. Loverboy are now living together, right? well, hang on to that chair coz I have this to say: Mr. Loverboy is scared of hell, so we're not yet living together. We don't even fuck yet. I kid you not!!! I am very vocal of what I want, but nooooo, Mr. Loverboy won't have any of that immoralities. Ha!
So, I live in this tiny apartment, and Mr. Loverboy would just come and go. We're like high school sweethearts for fuck's sake, and I want to move on. You know what I mean: live together, sleep together, have sex just like any normal couples, wake up together….
Honestly, I want to end things with Mr. Loverboy, but I'm scared. I've gotten fat over time, and I'm scared that no one will like me. Boo fucking hoo. Pretty stupid right?
What do you think?