I don’t give a freaking damn

Awww. Thanks for the texts and warnings about Megs. Oh dear, if you only knew… I really don't care about the shit you two are doing. Keep it up, make it last, make your damn mama proud. As for me, I have my own shit to live, ayt. I cant believe I wasted 20 texts on you though. Oh well. Sometimes I can be stupid. But judging from your texts, and the way you dont know what tata means… I don't think Im the only stupid person here.

Anyway… You. You've been testing me for the longest time, asking if I'm being true or not. Damn. I'm living a lie with you and I know that I can't go on like that. But how can I look you in the eye and break it to you? Ah, whatever. Time will tell.

Don't you just love dramas? I do.

Rush, rush, rush

Last three days at work… then i'll fix my clearance and head home.

Last night, someone told me to take my time. That healing takes time. I agree. But I cant see myself wallowing in all these pain for a long time!!! I want to get it over with as quickly as possible.

And am i just using Megs? I dont know. I dont know. I just want to get this heartbreak over with!

Please, im so confused, and im not myself. I dont want to cry. I dont want to think about anything related to the break up. This is me. This is how I heal. Im not running away. Im not! I'm not!!!

Fixing a broken heart

Oh…the dating game is about to start. 

I've talked to Aus last night. We talked for 25 minutes. We talked about religion and stuff. There were a few dead air, but nevertheless, it was a very good chat. We are both in the process of healing. And we know exactly what we're going through. Are we flirting? No. Not yet anyway.

It looks like me and Megs are back together again. I don't know. We're talking on the phone regularly. And lately, we've been talking about getting back together. Honestly, I'm not yet ready to be in a relationship (maybe, next month heehee). But I have this stupid feeling that in order for me to forget all about "it", I would be needing someone new. Is it unfair??? I'm not that "atat" to be in a relationship again (unlike someone I know… ). But as the song says: Nobody wants to be lonely… nobody wants to cryyyyyy. Do I love Megs? Yes. Since I was 12 years old.

Anyway, I can't mope forever you know. And Megs has been my friend since my childhood years. Think about Dawson's Creek… and we were a couple during our high school years. After almost eight years, we're walking down the same road again. We learned from our mistakes. We know each other better now. But somehow, a part of me says NO. Though it's just a teeny weeny voice in my head,  I can't seem to ignore it. A big part of me says GO AHEAD. Honestly, I really want to. But I don't know…

So… I think I'll just let myself loose this time. Been to too much restrictions, and my life got fucked up. Sometimes, I'm awashed with regrets over the time I spent disillusioned… Not anymore, baby. This time, I won't fall in love with the idea of love. Of loving someone different… of staying in a relationship because we're popular. Nah… not anymore. Madwoman has already grown up.

words and phrases in my mind

-sometimes love just ain't enough

-let go. now.

-how could it be?

-can't believe it

-want to go home

-can't wait to go home

-reason for everything

-at least you knew early

-spaghetti and chicken

-live with it

- i learned my lesson. learned it the hard way

-you won't give me what i can't bear

ENOUGH

—–

some friendship never ends. I'm glad Megs was there to give me peace. We go way back. And then this blow in our lives, we find ourselves getting together again. But what I can offer him now is only pure friendship. It's too soon.

He was my first boyfriend. Then we drifted away… and then he found this girl, and i found this boy… and then we found ourselves being single again… and then we talked and it feels like home again. Only difference is, we're more mature now and we're wearing older faces.

During my birthday, he stayed with me til dawn. And i was crying my eyes out because Mr. Loverboy never called. And then he asked me… Are you going to be this sorrowful forever? You have a choice to be happy. And you know what? He's right. But as long as I'm here in Manila, i don't have the guts to choose to be happy. Not yet. Not now. When I get my ass back, I will choose to be happy.

And i always tell myself, Remember Robert Frost and hsi line:

In three words, I can sum up everything life has ever taught me…It Goes On.

The Vodka Is Waiting

6 hours before touch down. Can't hardly wait!

Anyway, I'm going to tell you about a boy. Let's call him Megs (jolog name? oh well). He was my first boyfriend… I think everybody has a high school sweetheart. Anywho, eventhough things didn't worked out for us, we're still good friends. We never lost touch, primarily because we're neighbors (now that ain't so hard to guess, ayt). When my family moved to a different location, we still have time to go on  drinking sprees, especially during fiestas and birthdays. When I went Felicity (you know, moving to a different location because of a boy), we still call each other. In short, we're updated on what's going on with our lives.

During my infamous broke up with Mr. Loverboy (here I go again), Megs was one of the many people who called me. I couldn't remember our conversation but I remember being calm and comforted. We talked about life (cliche), love (even more cliche), and family matters. Also coming from a failed relationship (theirs was a 7 year affair), he told me things I never heard from other people. And I thanked him for that! (Don't ask me what are those things  he told me yet, okie)

Anyway… tomorrow night, we're planning to have a mini reunion with our common friends. I'm really excited! He makes the best Gin Pomelo in the world. I would bring some vodka…

I have doubts about going though… I don't know. It just doesn't seem right. I want to be mellow in the mean time. I'll party next month.

Well, what do you think?