my life has found it's direction.

i have found my true peace in this lifetime of war.

i bid farewell to my madness.

i am no longer mad woman.

thank you to all those who took time reading my mad posts. :)

My parents doesnt want me to hang out with her. She has a reputation. She does drugs and hangs out with the wrong kind of people. I already consider her as my friend. And I care about her.

But then... she gets me to do crazy things. And Now, I realize that if i continue hanging out with her, i might self destruct. Last night was crazy. And everytime i remember, I feel so ashamed.

I hope no one knew. I was at my stupid self. I wont do it again. Never.

My nicotine addiction has been worsening. At least two packs a day. And I hate that fact. Most especially now that i'm in a lot of trouble, I puff my way to pass the time. I don't care if I run out of money, but i get scared when I have no more ciggies in the middle of the night. I Don't like this about myself, and God knows how many times I tried to quit.

My finances are pitiful. I'm back to living with my parents and I'm very grateful for it. Leaving a nice paying job in Manila was foolish, but I chased my dreams, and I'm happy where I'm at now. I just get sad when payday comes. Sure I have everything here. My parents take good care of me, but I can't depend on them  my whole life.

I make bad decisions. I have to live with it, and that sucks. I turned to be the person I never wanted to be. And that's because of YOU. I would do anything to make you happy, to keep you happy, for you to stay happy. Never mind my feelings, never mind my own happiness. I know I'm just a safe choice for you... Coz I was a nice woman and all that bullshit. I give you freedom to do what you want. I've seen you use that freedom, and it tore me so badly inside. But I didn't say anything because I fear that you will leave. I was happy once. Everything was almost perfect, except for this. But seeing you happy, that's all that matters. You told me, it's just normal. If it is, then why does it fucking hurts??? I shouldn't be doing this to myself, I deserve a better man. Not because I'm perfect, but because I am capable to love purely, wholeheartedly, and deeply. The love that i'm giving to you should be spent on someone who deserves it. But just like my nicotine addiction, you're so fucking hard to quit.

I want peace of mind, serenity and security. Things that I have been constantly fighting to achieve. Wherever they are, I wish they will show up before it's too late.

The people who judged me for one single mistake... You do not know me. You have no right to tell me not to do those things. I have never experienced those normal kinds of entertainment. It's not like I'm doing drugs or killing someone. For God's sake it was just beer. I was having fun with colleagues, what do you expect me to do? Sit there and text?

I desire to finish my masters degree. I wish to find time and resources to do it. I hope before I turn 30, I'll be able to walk up the stage and get that freaking diploma.

*deep breath*

But sometimes, I have so many doubts. i cannot trust you like before. and i hate it. you are so good, and i love you dearly. But i think i deserve another man. Because of you, I became a woman that i loath to be. I became wild. I became a liar, just like you. And when I found out about that fucking thing, i slept with somebody. Because I thought that the sex would free me of the hurt you caused when you cheated. But it didn't. It made me feel worse. And I have to live with that for the rest of my life.

I am not like this. I was once a good girl. I dont just throw myself around. But you hurt me so bad I didn't gave a fuck anymore.

so, why am i crying?

The students were sweet. They gave me attention, hahahaha! I talked to a lot of people, downed a lot of alcohol and laughed til my throat hurt.

Hmmm. I wish every night was like that.

To Bruno:      I wish you never left me. I always long for your presence. Sleeping at night has been melancholic. I wish I can see your smile again. Your toys are still in my room... they are staring at me, wondering when they're going to be useful again. Some of your clothes, they are still here. And I can't bear to give them away. I'll always wait for you.

To My Parents: Now I know what unconditional love is. I have been too impossible, but you were always there for me. During my crazy moments, you have my back and you never let go of me. Thank you are not the words... I'm overwhelmed with your love and support.

To My Joe:    Yeah... I'm happy for us. Because of you, I realized that I create my own happiness. I dont know where life will take us, but I hope that you are there in the future. But whatever happens, i'll be happy having shared my life with you.

To Jo:     What happened to us? You're still my bestfriend. Time and distance has been cruel. Maybe, I expected too much. I thought you will always be there. But now, it's hard to find you. I need you.

To Madam:   I'm sorry. I cannot say anything more about it.

To my Bro:   I'm proud of you. I'll always will be.

To my Ex:    Thanks for the memories eventhough they weren't so great. He tastes like you, only sweeter.

To Horsey:   You are the sister I never had. I dont want to lose you. I'll always love you. Can't wait to be with you again!

To Manol:    No, I will not welcome you into my life anymore. I gave you the chance. If I gave you another, that would be very saintly of me. And I never dreamed of being a saint.

To Old Lady:   I hope you'll die. You are a typical monster hidden behind rosaries and prayers. I will never forgive you. I hate you that much.

I felt like a fool. I felt violated. I know you were sorry. I know you were ahamed of what you did. I've forgiven you. But I can never forget. Now look what you've done. I always doubt what you said. I dont trust you Like i trusted you before. But damn it, I still love you so much. But the hurt! The confusion! The doubt!

Should I stay? I know that if i do, it will never be the same again. You will continue to stray. You will.

Should I go? If I do, I might regret not giving you another chance. And I hate regrets. There's just too many of them in my life.

You're very special to me. I can see us happy, building a great future again.

Ugh. I really wished I never found out.

What am I, you're spare tire? I thought that what we have is real.